Age: Kemper’s date of birth is December 18th, 1948. But, in Timesuck lore, he is perpetually the age of his 1973 arrest, which is twenty-four.
Description: Kemper, still alive, was once a 6’ 9” tall, 270 pound, highly intelligent (145 IQ) and highly active serial killer. He killed his grandparents when he was fifteen and was caught almost immediately. He was released from a psychiatric facility on his 21st birthday in December of 1969, and within eight months he’d murder the first of eight women, including his mother. And then he’d be incarcerated once more in April of 1973. He’s been prison ever since.
Special Attributes: Kemper is really good at yelling “MOTHER!” And, his zapples (murderous urges) get riled up easier and more often than anyone else’s zapples.
Origin: Ed Kemper first showed up, of course, on January 21st, 2019, in Suck 123, “Serial Killer Ed Kemper: The Co-Ed Killer.” In this episode we learned that Ed really, really hated his mother, who he claims hated him as a child. To be fair to his mom, he was a VERY creepy kid. He fantasized about killing everyone on Helena, Montana where he lived, and having sex with their corpses. Fun. His mom worried about him raping his sisters so much that she would lock him in the basement of the family home at night. Around that time, angry with his mother, he cut his mom’s pet cat’s head off and put it on a stick. We also learned that after killing his mother, he cut her head off and literally fucked it, putting his penis in his dead mother’s windpipe. Oh. My. Heck. Mom was right to lock him in that basement.
We also learned about Kemper’s “zapples’ in his origin story. “Zapples” is what Kemper called his “murderous urges.” And we learned Kemper likes to say, in a deep, angry voice - “MOTHER!”
Also, in Kemper’s origin here on Timesuck, we learned that he was once a member of the Junior Chamber of Commerce, and I joked about the types of business ideas he may have presented in meetings, like “Cat-head-sicles,” described as: “like a popsicle, but, instead of frozen sugar and water and other sweet, syrupy flavors, instead of that - it is a frozen cat’s head.”
Ongoing Mythology: Kemper quickly reappeared us Suck 125, The Black Death, advertising his business: Ed Kemper’s Pet-Head Ka-Bobs, a business that sells, “petsicles.”
Kemper then made a brief cameo in the following Suck 126, The Black Panthers, and then additional cameos in Suck 128, Serial Killer Pedro “Monster of the Andes” Lopez, and Suck 129, Ted “Unabomber” Kaczynski, showing up to quickly talk about “MOTHER,” “zapples,” and heads on sticks.
After still more cameos in Suck 134, Napoleon MF’N Bonaparte, Suck 135, Vikings!, and Suck 136, The Moon Landing Conspiracy, Kemper advertises a new product in Suck 137, Madame Delphine Lalaurie: How Evil Was She? He advertises “Cat cake pops.” Here’s how Ed describes them: “My Cat-Cake-Pops are cat heads that have been baked into delicious cakes and then those cat-head-cakes have been pushed down onto sticks I’ve carved myself for your dining pleasure. No seasoning. No secret spices. No gimmicks. Just delicious cat heads. Delicious cakes. And sticks carved to thoughts of GETTING SO ANGRY WITH MOTHER!!!”
Ed makes cameos in Suck 138, The Brutal KGB and Russia’s Long History of Secret Police, and 140, The Legend of King Arthur, the Knights of the Round Table, and More. In Suck 145, Josef Fritzl: Austria’s Monster, he shows up to pitch his own Timesuck teeshirt. In Suck 154, he shows up to express his rage at those who have shown up to view his body at his future funeral, saying: “WHY MOTHER!?! Why must they STARE!?! MAN my ZAPPLES would be getting real STICK HAPPY if I was still alive. BOY HOWDY would I want to FUCK THEIR NECKS!”
Kemper made further cameos in Sucks 155, Leonardo da Vinci, and 157, Mormonism: the Good, the Bad, and the FLDS.
And the occasional, “MOTHER!”, and “Don’t get my ZAPPLES going!” have been yelled in Timesuck’s Kemper voice in additional episodes. Since he arrived, he took over from Chikatilo as the Timesuck king of quick appearances.
Description: Roughly six feet tall and around 190 pounds. Blue eyes, grey hair with male pattern baldness. Sometimes wears glasses. Always looks insanely creepy. Projects a harmless, albeit creepy, grandpa vibe most of the time. Projects a, “I am the Devil incarnate” vibe when angry and/or horny. (When angry he is ALWAYS also horny).
Special Attributes: Really good at wrasslin’. Especially against juvenile and women. Able to exist in both human and shadow person form. Capable of unbelievable, paralyzing terror. Possesses super floppy shame cock that can be used as a weapon or as a distraction (it was even used as a glider of sorts in episode 8 of the Secret Suck)
Origin: We first learned about Andrei Chikatilo in Timesuck 57, The Butcher of Rostov. The Butcher of Rostov, also known as The Red Ripper, was a demented, Ukrainian sack of serial killing shit who brutally murdered over 50 men, women, and children between 1978 and 1990. He was executed in 1994. He suffered from impotence and the only cure seemed to be violence. He was actually sexually attracted to violence itself. Terrifying. He also, despite his impotence, could still masturbate and did that A LOT. He masturbated in a lot of weird places, like in the woods while at work in full view of his co-workers. And at school, inside his pants, where he worked as a teacher. My interpretation of the conversation he had with his mother after getting caught jerking off at work seemed to stick with the Timesuck faithful and a new shame cock-based character was born: “It was hard day mother. We had problems with electrical line starting small fire and also coworkers watch me stroke soft cock in woods when I think I am alone. Will you make beet soup tonight mother? I could use comfort food after hard day of toil and shame.” In future cameos, Chikatilo began to refer to his “shame cock”, and the term has stuck.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Chikatilo, his horrible Russian accent, and his obsession with his flaccid penis became an instant hit with Timesuckers, and while he was referenced in the next episode, Bonus 11: The Amityville Horror, he didn’t start making true cameos until two weeks later, in episode 59, the Shadow People episode, when Shadow Chikatilo watched a scared couple from the dark corner of their room and jerked off.
And he’s been jerking the Suck around ever since, even showing up recently in advertisements for Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy, beginning in episode 78, the Bielski brothers. He doesn’t show up in every episode, but he shows up more often than any other Timesuck character. And, in almost every episode he does pop up in, he usually mutters what has become his trademark question, “What is big deal?”
He’s an odd duck, Chikatilo. He doesn’t seem to enjoy being mentioned in new episodes and doesn’t understand why people are bothered by his public masturbation. He feels that it’s no one’s business where he masturbates, “I bother no one! I just tug on soft shame cock from corner. You no even think I here after while.”
Why is he an avatar? Well, because sometimes with darkness, the best defense we have is to laugh in its face. And Chikatilo’s face could hardly be darker!
Description: 6’1” tall. 220 pounds. Despite having undergone surgeries on both his tailbone and his spine, The SuckMaster is definitely (maybe, but probably not) the strongest podcaster in the world. Much of his intense man-strength lies in his thick, mostly-black beard, with only a touch grey brought on by many, many late nights tirelessly researching really, really weird shit. His intense blue eyes have been known to captivate and/or creep women out. Curvy African American women in particular seem fond of his large, kind-of-muscular buttocks. He has a brain capable of pouring over large amounts of research in a very short amount of time and creating pretty good jokes and stories and, well, that’s about all his mind can do.
Special Attributes: He’s handy with a rifle even though he can’t pronounce most rifle models correctly. He’s really good with a machete even though he probably can’t pronounce that either. And he’s decent with a guitar although he can’t seem to get through a single song without forgetting at least some of the words. What he can definitely do is continue to lead the Suck faithful into new, fascinating, and conversation-sparking topics each week on Timesuck.
Origin: Riggins, Idaho. May 17, 1977 (birth). Spokane, Washington. August 3rd, 2000 (standup debut). Santa Monica, California. September 18th, 2016 (first Timesuck recording).
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Dan is Timesuck and Timesuck is Dan. His mythology is the totality of the Suck.
Age: Immortal. (Go fuck yourself)
Description: One-eyed, three legged pit bull who always wears an eye patch and often uses a prosthetic leg. Bojangles can appear in a variety of forms. He can allow himself to be seen as a giant, genetically modified beast big enough to let two grown men ride upon his back and he can also show up as a normal-sized, three-legged, bad-ass dog. Bojangles’s prosthetic limb, should he choose to wear it, can be wooden, a metal dog-leg made up of some type of indestructible steel alloy, or it can be a weapon, such as the leg-gun he allegedly fired upon JFK with.
Special Attributes: Despite missing an eye and being down a leg, there is nothing that Bojangles can’t do, except maybe go easy on communism. Bojangles IS Timesuck! He’s the show’s spirit, soul, and mascot. He’s relentless, fearless, and if something interesting is happening or has happened in this fascinating world of ours, you can be sure that Bojangles is or was somehow involved. He’s an inspiration - if the loss of both a leg and an eye can’t stop Bojangles from getting done what he needs to get done, what’s your excuse for not relentlessly pursuing your dreams?
Origin: Episode thirty-two, The Marilyn Monroe Timesuck, April 24th, 2017. Bojangles shows up several times in this episode, first appearing as the one-eyed, three-legged canine leader of a pack of feral pit bulls who kidnap Marilyn’s guardian’s Aunt Ana. He shows up again in 1947, in the early Monroe film, Dangerous Years, receiving slightly higher billing than Marilyn did. And then Bojangles pops up as actor yet again in 1956, co-starring with Marilyn Monroe in the Fox studio box office juggernaut, Bojangles Takes Manhattan!, the story of a one eyed, three-legged dog/fighter jet pilot who’s been hired by the President of the United States to take back New York form the clutches of The Lizard Illuminati. Bojangles is also mentioned as being Marilyn’s pet in this episode.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Bojangles’s legend really begins to grow in the episode after his creation, episode thirty-three, the Designer Babies Timesuck. It’s revealed that the CIA had kept Bojangles cryogenically frozen since the 1950s and then thawed him out in 1983. The CIA gave his remaining eye x-ray and laser-shooting capabilities, he was tripled in size, and given a robotic fourth leg ten times as strong as either of Steven Seagal’s legs. The CIA paired him with Triple M and James Ingram to fight the spread of communism, traveling back in time to do so as needed. It was also revealed in Episode thirty-three that Bojangles is in charge of Timesuck research (if there’s any mistakes - it is Bojangles’s fault, NOT the fault of Dan Cummins).
We learn that Bojangles may have been involved in the assassination of cult leader Jim Jones and JFK in episode thirty-four and bonus episode six, and that he was also rumored to run a new South American gang of dogs in the Pablo Escobar bonus suck number five. In episode forty-three, the Lost City of Atlantis, it was revealed that the Greek god Poseidon claimed to have created Bojangles when he mated with an ancient female pit bull. Bojangles was the finest warrior on the isle of Atlantis, slaying enemy soldiers with ease and beloved by both female dogs and human women alike. He ended up battling Zeus himself in the final battle of Atlantis, almost destroying the Greek God before losing an eye via one of Zeus’s thunderbolts and then losing a leg with another.
In episode forty-five, the North Korea suck, it is revealed that Bojangles was not created by Poseidon but that Nimrod himself created Bojangles as an immortal. Who do you believe? Poseidon or Nimrod? Perhaps both creation stories share a part of a larger truth?
Bojangles may or may not have ran a drug site on the dark web, he’s shown up in children’s nightmares as the Hellhound of Slenderman, he’s mentioned in Nimrod’s armageddon theology, and he’ll continue to make his presence known for as long as Timesuck exists.
Age: Immortal (How dare you even ask that!?!)
Description: Think of the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen. By comparison, Lucifina makes that woman seem powerfully and painfully unattractive. Lucifina looks like Angelina Jolie (Lara Croft era) and Rosario Dawson (Sin City era) had sex so sexy it produced some sort of sexy sex baby, and then that baby grew up and exceeded all preposterous expectations for sexiness. Just by bending over in front of them, fully-clothed, Lucifina has given men who previously thought they were impotent such powerful boners their dicks literally exploded. Just by accidentally brushing her breast upon women’s shoulders when squeezing past them in a crowded room, women’s vaginas have produced so much heat and moisture that they’ve heat-stroked all of the room’s occupants to the floor, and then all of those people died after drowning in the two to three feet of standing vagina sex-water. Lucifina has dark skin, green eyes, and whatever weight, height, curves, and bra cup size you want her to have. She’s usually wearing whatever you think is the sexiest outfit. Such as, you know, for a random example, torn fishnets and leather thigh-high boots with a ripped jean mini-skirt and a vintage Soundgarten “Badmotorfinger” concert tank top. She has a devil tail, two horns, and fangs as well - but usually keeps these aspects of her true, Hellish form hidden.
Special Attributes: Lucifina is Satan’s sister and the only entity the Devil is truly afraid of. And Lucifina is THE Devil of Timesuck, wreaking havoc in the special world we’ve created, spiritually corroding the show every chance she gets. She is the reason behind every false fact, every offensive opinion, every corny joke, and every mispronunciation Dan makes. How does she do all this? If only we knew maybe we could stop her! We can only pray to Nimrod and hope he slows her down. Lucifina is an amazing temptress, able to dole out “Devil Boners” at will - sudden, inexplicable and distracting erections. She’s always attempting to seduce Dan into not doing his research or get back to emails by convincing Dan to go to bed, to have a snack, or to type “nude pinup model” into his Google search bar instead of something topic-related. Damn you Lucifina!!
Origin: Lucifina first appeared on September 15th, 2017, in bonus episode nine, the Salem Witch Trials Timesuck, where it was revealed that Lucifina is the reason Dan thought genome was pronounced GEE-gnome in the Designer Babies Timesuck.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Lucifina is just now revealing herself in new episodes of the Suck. But make no mistake, she’s been there since the beginning, working hand-in-scaly-hand with her Space Lizard minions.
Age: Ancient/Unknown (at least 3,000 years old)
Description: Picture a lizard, but bigger and, uh, human-ier. Imagine a giant Komodo dragon on steroids, standing erect, smart enough to pilot a spaceship. Or, instead of imagining it - remember it! Remember seeing one of these oh so very real creatures. Space Lizards are roughly 8-10 feet tall. They weigh around 500 pounds. Picture Andre the Giant’s bigger, scalier, flickering-tongued, tail-dragging brother. Space Lizards are humanoid bipeds with opposable thumbs and a strong interest in secret societies (Freemasons, Skull & Bones, Sam’s Club - ALL Space Lizards). However, it is highly unlikely that you’ll ever see them in their native form. They’re shapeshifters able to change their appearance by ingesting mono-atomic gold they mine deep under the Earth’s surface. They can look exactly like any human; for example, Queen Elizabeth, former US President George W Bush, and pop singer Katy Perry - all documented members of the lizard illuminati. Regardless of their disguise, you can always identify a member of the lizard illuminati by paying attention to their eyes: lizard eyes can only blink from side to side as opposed to top to bottom. We see you Space Lizards! We see you.
Special Attributes: Shape shifting. Intergalactic travel. Reality manipulation. Space Lizards are able to control humanity’s collective perception of reality via the moon which is not really a moon at all but instead their hollowed out lizard space station full of advanced space lizard technology. Space lizards psychically feed off of negative emotions, manipulating us into wars and disasters in order to stay spiritually nourished. Think The Matrix movie where lizards are controlling the world instead of machines. Space lizards are also very good at catching insects and small mammals.
Origin: The Space Lizards arrived when Timesuck itself arrived, on September 19th, 2016, in episode one, The Lizard Illuminati Conspiracy Theory Timesuck. It was in this episode we learned of the Anunnaki - the gods of earliest human civilizations: the Sumerians, Assyrians, and Babylonians. They are the giants referenced in the Christian bible. And the Anunnaki are the Space Lizards. The Space Lizards arrived from the Draco constellation thousands and thousands of years ago and enslaved the human race. They altered early human DNA to create alien lizard hybrids to aid in their manipulative efforts - they’re only truly happy when humanity is in turmoil - that’s when their lizard souls feel satisfied. We learned in episode one that the Space Lizards are connected to Satan himself, and frequently sacrifice human babies to cause maximum turmoil within the collective human mind. Damn those super-evil Space Lizards!!
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: The Space Lizards have been referenced throughout Timesuck, possibly involved in helping NASA keep humanity from realizing the Earth is flat. The Space Lizards may have killed JFK. They tricked Dan into thinking he only has an average sized penis (at best) They may be (probably are) behind every conspiracy theory!! So little is known about these nefarious, split-tongue overlords. One man, British conspiracy theorist/obvious genius David Icke, actually knows everything about them and has the keys to taking them down. Unfortunately, their reality-manipulation moon base has kept David from making sense almost every time he’s ever opened his mouth. The battle against the Space Lizards may seem futile, but we will continue to fight the good fight against these oppressors who want nothing more than to keep Timesuckers ignorant, angry, and separated from any and all truths.
Age: Immortal (he’s always looked like he’s in his late 40s/early 50s)
Description: 6’2” tall. 225 pounds. Lean, muscular, athletic build. Strongest of strong jaw lines with piercing blue eyes and hair that is NOT grey, but instead a supernatural and otherworldly white. Triple M has an indescribable presence… he doesn’t HAVE charisma, he IS charisma, personified. He isn’t “likable”… he’s everything you like and everything you think you hate but secretly like. He isn’t “handsome”… he’s the hardest erection and wettest vagina morphed into one impossibly hard, impossibly wet, impossibly Michael Motherfuckin’ McDonald.
Special Attributes: Scientifically proven to have the world’s greatest, for-sure best, and mostest beautiful voice, Triple M, the bard of Timesuck, can use this vocal power to either soothe or destroy; with one perfectly crooned Yacht Rock refrain, he can croon a melody so sweet it will make an orphan no longer mind not having parents, or he can hit a note high enough to shatter enemy ear drums.
Triple M’s “Yah-Mo Timesuck!” battle cry has be heard during his many covert missions defending democracy domestically and abroad, toppling oppressive regimes, shooting the shit out of communists, and doing whatever the fuck else the CIA needs him to get done.
Triple M is fond of wearing a suit into battle so breathtakingly white, enemies are unable to pull their triggers. Shooting Triple M in his monochromatic glory, with hair as heavenly as his fitted suit, is like opening fire on a half-baby, half-puppy, half-angel.
Triple M is also an expert in heavy artillery, proficient in explosives, not bad with a butterfly knife, and can grill a bacon-wrapped filet mignon so delectable it’ll make you wet your pants and smack your best friend’s momma.
Origin: Episode twenty-two, Al Capone’s Valentine’s Day Massacre, Feb 13, 2017. You can blame 19th century Chicago gangster Michael Cassius McDonald for introducing grammy winning R&B yacht rock phenom Michael McDonald to the Suck by happening to have the same damn name.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: While in “real life”, Michael McDonald is an elderly R&B legend who excelled as a backup vocalist and keyboardist for Steely Dan in the early and mid-70s, penned and sang hits for the Doobie Brothers in the mid and late 70s, won four Grammys in 1979, was a session vocalist and keyboardist for everyone from Bonnie Raitt to Christopher Cross to Toto, won a 1985 Grammy with James Ingram, is the author and vocalist of several Billboard number one hits, and is a multi-platinum recording artist who has successfully toured the world for decades, he’s also worked steadily as a CIA operative within the world of Timesuck since the early 70s and has shown up all throughout history thanks to advanced CIA time travel technology.
After his Timesuck debut, Michael McDonald returned in episode 25 when the Suck returned to 19th century Chicago in the HH Holmes episode. He popped up again in the fourth bonus episode, Scientology, when Tom Cruise demanded he hear Triple M’s songs sung, and he appeared again in the Mandela Effect Timesuck, episode thirty-one, when we were left to wonder if he ever really sang for the Doobie brothers or if that happened in a parallel universe.
Michael was first introduced as Triple M in the Designer Babies episode, episode thirty-three, when he’s revealed to be a secret CIA operative who works with both Bojangles and James Ingram. We learn about his white suit, his fondness for large machine guns, and how he will sometimes ride atop a genetically modified Bojangles when fighting communists or whoever else he needs to destroy.
We learn Triple M may have killed cult leader Jim Jones and helped assassinate JFK in the Suck. In episode forty-five, the North Korea Timesuck, it is revealed that Triple M was never born but has always existed as a God alongside James Ingram, Bojangles, and Dan Cummins - created as an immortal by none other than Nimrod, God of Timesuck.
And as the Suck continues, so does his legend. Michael will forever occasionally show up to McDonald Timesuckers, whether they like it or not.
Age: 77/25 (Woody was made to be perpetually twenty-five-years-old on January 4th, 1942)
Description: Woody is a 30-inch-tall hand-carved, wooden ventriloquist doll who looks a lot like the Howdy Doody doll from the television program of the same name, a popular US children’s show that ran from 1947-1960. Woody typically appears dressed in western, cowboy clothes garb. His puppeteer/handler is Charles Guttman, a talented, but beaten down ventriloquist from New Haven, Connecticut who is estimated to be perpetually in his mid-forties. The nature of Woody and Charles’s relationship is a bit complicated and certainly unorthodox - Woody is alive and doesn’t actually need Charles to make him talk or move him. Charles is more of a manager, booker, business partner, abuse recipient, and handler for Woody.
Special Attributes: Woody’s special attribute is that he’s a living wooden puppet that can talk and move on his own (although he also seems to allow/enjoy others to move him). He claims to be able to protect people from spectral attacks but there is no proof that Woody can keep paranormal entities from harming anyone or even communicate with ghosts. He seems to mostly be a drunken, verbally abusive, perverted, conman.
Origin: Woody first showed up on October 29th, 2018, in Suck 111, “Demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren." He was revealed in a lie about Ed Warren recruiting a ventriloquist who used a puppet named Woody to trick ghosts and demons into revealing themselves. In this episode, we learned what Woody looked like, we learned that he worked with Charles Guttman, and we learned that he likes to say, “Wheeeeeeee!”
In this same episode, Woody showed up again as a sponsor, advertising a product called Woody’s Paranormal Rape Repellant. Woody’s Paranormal Rape Repellant is a special blend of garlic, paprika, holy water, wasabi, icy hot, sea salt, green tea, sulfuric acid, and graham cracker crumbs designed to keep unwanted spirits from touching or invading your genitals. There is no proof whatsoever that it works.
Ongoing Mythology: After first arriving and pitching his paranormal rape repellant in Suck 111, Woody returned in Suck 112, the Russian Sleep Experiment suck, to pitch his product again and say “Wheeeeeee!!”
Woody then appeared briefly in Suck 114, “Illuminati Revealed! The New World Order Conspiracy,” being strangled by Chikatilo on behalf of the many Timesuck listeners who can’t stand Woody.
Woody was back again in episode 115, “Hatfield-McCoy Feud,” teaming up with Chicken Joe to advertise a new business venture: “Chicken Joe and Woody’s Ghost Brothel,” the world’s first “boogeyman bordello,” where you can get demonic handjobs, Satanic double-penetration, and more by saying, “Lucifina, let me in!”
Woody returned in Suck 117, “Harriet MF’n Tubman,” advertising yet another new product, Woody’s Paranormal Demon Remover. Woody goes away for several weeks and then reappears in Suck 124, “Mothman.” In this Suck, he has rebranded his business after almost going bankrupt trying to sell paranormal rape repellant. He know opens an online everything-paranormal store called, Woody’s Spirit Supples and More Spectral Emporium, where he pitches a Mothman Monster Magnet that supposedly will capture the crytid. In this Suck, Woody has an unnamed assistant force handler Charles Guttman into a cage where he’s beaten with a leather whip full of rusty nails for not coming up with better products for Woody to sell.
After taking a few weeks off, Woody shows up again in Suck 127, “Pedophile Island,” begging Charles, who has left him, to return. He also reveals that he’s a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic who is trying to get his drinking under control. He also tries selling himself to anyone who wants to use him for anything at all, for twenty bucks an hour. He says, “As a puppet, I have a LOT of experience with hands. I’m used to them going, well, pretty much everywhere.”
Woody’s back again in Suck 130, “Casey Anthony.” He reveals his full name to be Woody Geraldine Lancaster the Third. He formally apologizes to Charles Benjamin Guttman for “for defamatory remarks and abusive treatment over the past several months.” It’s also revealed that he abuses cocaine and has previously sexually harassed Charles as well.
Woody makes a drunk cameo in Suck 131, “Disappearances, Hidden Cities, Murders, and More: National Park Mysteries,” revealing he’s still drinking and still abusive towards Charles. And then he shows up again right away in Suck 132, “Order of the Solar Temple Doomsday Cult,” sexually harassing another sponsor, Baby Secrets.
After taking a few weeks off, Woody and Charles are back in Suck 135, “Vikings!” In this Suck, Timesuck sells a Woody tee-shirt to raise money to cover Woody’s carpentry bills due to repairs Woody’s body needs after Woody contracted termites after getting blackout drunk and passing out in a ditch. Clearly, he is struggling with his drinking.
Woody pops in next in Suck 140, “The Legends of King Arthur, the Knights of the Round Table, and More!” In this Suck, Woody reveals that he’s finishing up rehab and that Charles Guttman has been selling knock-off Rolexes to fund his treatment.
Age: The First Immortal. (Nimrod has always been and always will be)
Description: Nimrod is a giant space Sasquatch the size of an entire galaxy with the head of a Chupacabra who rides a black unicorn with flaming suns for eyes.
Special Attributes: All knowing and all powerful, there is no attribute Nimrod doesn’t possess. However, despite his limitless power, for some reason, he is powerless to stop Lucifina, the Timesuck Devil, from negatively interfering with the universe he created.
Origin: Nimrod revealed himself as the God of Timesuck on March 31st, 2017, in bonus episode four, the Scientology suck. In that episode, Nimrod, let it be known that followers must stomp in the skull of a cocker spaniel once a month to prove obedience to him. The Nimrod Faithful will be allowed to live forever inside his Alpha and Omega ballsack, the location of Timesuck heaven. Why? Who the Hell knows? Nimrod’s ways are mysterious indeed.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: In episode 47, the Kurt Cobain Timesuck, it’s revealed that killing yourself gets you sent straight to Nimrod’s butthole, the location of Hell in Timesuck theology, and you will be remain in this “tight, hairy, stinky” nightmare, eternally.
Nimrod revealed some of his scripture in episode forty, the Nostradamus Timesuck, letting Timesuckers know in chapter 666, verse 666, what he thinks of the End Times, saying, “Nimrod will unleash BOJANGLES upon humanity. A great gerbil lizard thingy will spring forth from where his fourth leg will rest and the great gerbil lizard thingy will poke the people of earth with giant sparklers that burn the people, not in a fatal way but in a way that is super annoying and makes you worry about getting your eye poked out and then Bojangles will piss RC Cola upon the earth and it will be cool and refreshing and it will extinguish the sparklers and people will rejoice but then more RC Cola will come out and soon we all drown in the Cola we thought was no longer being sold anymore but still actually still is in some places. Seriously, I really see it sometimes.” And then, in chapter 667, Nimrod reveals sometimes his words are truly meaningless by declaring, “Get the fuck out of here! None of that shit is happening. C’mon - that’s crazy talk! Now get back to stomping puppies before I kill all of you.”
In episode forty, we also learn that Nimrod created Michael Motherfuckin’ McDonald, Timesuck host Dan Cummins, R&B dynamo James Ingram, and Bojangles as fully formed immortals.
Description: 5’ 5” tall. 130 pounds. Born in Washington D.C. in 1870. Spent most of his life living on the East Coast and working as a house painter. After being sent to prison for murder and more, he was given various monikers by the press: “the Gray Man”, “the Werewolf of Wysteria”, the “Brooklyn Vampire”, the “Moon Maniac”, and "The Boogey Man.” He was executed via the electric chair in Sing-Sing prison in New York in 1936. He’d been convicted for the murder of ten-year-old Grace Budd (who he also cannibalized). Although he was not charged, he also murdered nine-year-old Francis McDonnell and four-year-old Billy Gaffney. And he may have killed many, many others. And he’s believed to have raped over a hundred children.
Albert often appeared to others in his later years as a harmless and loving grandfather. And, sadly, he was a grandfather. He was NOT loving and he certainly was far from harmless.
Special Attributes: Fluent grasp of early 20th century street-slang and pretty good at changing the lyrics of early jazz, blues and ragtime standards into unlistenable, appalling, and disgusting tunes.
Origin: Albert showed up first in Suck 141, titled: “Albert Fish: NY Killer and SUPER Creep.”
We learned all about Albert’s terrible childhood. He fell our of a cherry tree as a child resulting in a head wound that led to dizzy spells, headaches, and a stutter. His dad was an elderly, hateful asshole. His mom was dirt poor. He spent time in an orphanage where he was likely raped and molested and where he learned that he became sexually aroused when he was beaten and when he beat others. He also figured out that he became sexually aroused when he would eat feces and drink piss. He once watched other orphans soak a horse’s tail in gasoline and light it on fire which also made him horny. Inspired by this event, he’d later stick things in his butt and light them on fire. He loved inserting needles in his groin. At least twenty-nine sewing needles were found still inside of him when he died.
Albert wrote lots of letters revealing an almost limitless desire for sexual depravity. He wrote letters to numerous widows trying to convince them into savagely beating him and sexually degrading him. He pretended to be a big shot Hollywood producer and that in Hollywood, all kinds of stars got spanked and ate feces. He may have cut a mentally handicapped man’s penis partially off after tying him up in an abandoned barn and forcing the poor bastard to primarily consume piss and shit for days. He wrote a letter to the parents of murder victim Grace Budd detailing how he kidnapped and killed her and then ate part of her, stating, “How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven.”
He spent time in psychiatric facilities numerous times before his final arrest. Severe mental illness ran heavily in his family. He encouraged his own step children to spank him, playing a game called “Buck buck, how many hands up?” It consisted of Fish dressing in just a tiny pair of brown pair of shorts while closing his eyes and guessing how many fingers his step kids were holding in the air. If he guessed wrong, the kids would have to use a paint brush to spank his ass. Ideally until it was bloody.
Along with the Toybox killer and Jeffrey Dahmer, he’s one of the most sexually depraved human beings I’ve ever heard of.
In his origin episode, we had Albert do a little singing - changing the lyrics of the old crooner standard, “That’s Amore”, to “That’s How I Cum!”
“Well you know it’s the best when the poop hits your chest, that’s how I cum!
I’ll shoot my seed, when your ass starts to bleed, that’s how I cum!”
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: In the Suckverse, Albert loves singing and speaking in old-timey, early 20th century lingo.
He loves eating “peanut butt butter” and yelling “SHOWBIZ!” He loves telling people, “That is how they do it in Hollywood!” And he likes to change the lyrics of early 20th century songs and sing little ditties about, mostly, spankings and peanut butter.
After his debut episode, he reappeared right away in Suck 142, “Darwin Awards and Evolution,” in an ad for “Albert Fish Tortures the Classics” an album of “torturous takes on classic songs of the 1920’s and 1930’s.”
In this ad, he changes the lyrics of “I Got Rhythm” into the timeless “I Got Someone Tied Up in The Barn.”
“I’ve got paddles, I’ve got lots of rope, Fat Bottom in the barn - Who Could Ask for Anything More.
He is tied up, peanut butt butter, setting our bottoms on fire, who can ask for anything more!”
He shows up singing more songs in Suck 143, “America’s Homeless Epidemic.”
He pops up in a LOT of Sucks real quick to say, “Showbiz! That’s how they do it in Hollywood”, usually in referenced to an extremely depraved sexual act or something to do with piss or shit.
He shows up in Suck 145, “Josef Fritzl: Austria’s Monster,” to torture world’s-worst-father-ever Fritzl, who we pretend has been placed in some medieval stocks, saying: “Relax Bluenose. The name’s Albert Fish. Peanut Butt Butter and torture are my game and I just finished up with the peanut butter portion of the show! Listen dew-dropper, ever tried breathing when your nose is stuffed halfway up a man’s caboose? Showbiz! Don’t take any wooden nickels! Ever choked on another man’s peanut butter while he whittles off your monkey? Why that is how they do it in Hollywood!”
He promotes a new album called “Fish kills the 40s!” in Suck 146, “The Black Dahlia.”
He sings a couple of duets with late 19th century and early 20th century Scandinavian serial killer Belle Gunness in Suck 150.
He’s referenced as a possible early member of the Ninth Circle Cult in Suck 153.
He referees a wrestling match between Jesse James and the Grim Reaper in Suck 154, “The Outlaw Jesse James and the James-Younger Gang.”
Albert is dirty, dirty bird who loves “butt play” more than anyone else in history.
Why is he an avatar? Because old-timey lingo combined with pretending to be a hot shot Hollywood producer combined with singing songs about eating other people’s poop is hilarious. Showbiz!