Description: 6’1” tall. 230 pounds. Despite having undergone surgeries on both his tailbone and his spine, The SuckMaster is definitely (maybe, but probably not) the strongest podcaster in the world. Much of his intense man-strength lies in his thick, mostly-black beard, with only a touch grey brought on by many, many late nights tirelessly researching really, really weird shit. His intense blue eyes have been known to captivate and/or creep women out. Curvy African American women in particular seem fond of his large, kind-of-muscular buttocks. He has a brain capable of pouring over large amounts of research in a very short amount of time and creating pretty good jokes and stories and, well, that’s about all his mind can do.
Special Attributes: He’s handy with a rifle even though he can’t pronounce most rifle models correctly. He’s really good with a machete even though he probably can’t pronounce that either. And he’s decent with a guitar although he can’t seem to get through a single song without forgetting at least some of the words. What he can definitely do is continue to lead the Suck faithful into new, fascinating, and conversation-sparking topics each week on Timesuck.
Origin: Riggins, Idaho. May 17, 1977 (birth). Spokane, Washington. August 3rd, 2000 (standup debut). Santa Monica, California. September 18th, 2016 (first Timesuck recording).
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Dan is Timesuck and Timesuck is Dan. His mythology is the totality of the Suck.
Age: Immortal. (Go fuck yourself)
Description: One-eyed, three legged pit bull who always wears an eye patch and often uses a prosthetic leg. Bojangles can appear in a variety of forms. He can allow himself to be seen as a giant, genetically modified beast big enough to let two grown men ride upon his back and he can also show up as a normal-sized, three-legged, bad-ass dog. Bojangles’s prosthetic limb, should he choose to wear it, can be wooden, a metal dog-leg made up of some type of indestructible steel alloy, or it can be a weapon, such as the leg-gun he allegedly fired upon JFK with.
Special Attributes: Despite missing an eye and being down a leg, there is nothing that Bojangles can’t do, except maybe go easy on communism. Bojangles IS Timesuck! He’s the show’s spirit, soul, and mascot. He’s relentless, fearless, and if something interesting is happening or has happened in this fascinating world of ours, you can be sure that Bojangles is or was somehow involved. He’s an inspiration - if the loss of both a leg and an eye can’t stop Bojangles from getting done what he needs to get done, what’s your excuse for not relentlessly pursuing your dreams?
Origin: Episode thirty-two, The Marilyn Monroe Timesuck, April 24th, 2017. Bojangles shows up several times in this episode, first appearing as the one-eyed, three-legged canine leader of a pack of feral pit bulls who kidnap Marilyn’s guardian’s Aunt Ana. He shows up again in 1947, in the early Monroe film, Dangerous Years, receiving slightly higher billing than Marilyn did. And then Bojangles pops up as actor yet again in 1956, co-starring with Marilyn Monroe in the Fox studio box office juggernaut, Bojangles Takes Manhattan!, the story of a one eyed, three-legged dog/fighter jet pilot who’s been hired by the President of the United States to take back New York form the clutches of The Lizard Illuminati. Bojangles is also mentioned as being Marilyn’s pet in this episode.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Bojangles’s legend really begins to grow in the episode after his creation, episode thirty-three, the Designer Babies Timesuck. It’s revealed that the CIA had kept Bojangles cryogenically frozen since the 1950s and then thawed him out in 1983. The CIA gave his remaining eye x-ray and laser-shooting capabilities, he was tripled in size, and given a robotic fourth leg ten times as strong as either of Steven Seagal’s legs. The CIA paired him with Triple M and James Ingram to fight the spread of communism, traveling back in time to do so as needed. It was also revealed in Episode thirty-three that Bojangles is in charge of Timesuck research (if there’s any mistakes - it is Bojangles’s fault, NOT the fault of Dan Cummins).
We learn that Bojangles may have been involved in the assassination of cult leader Jim Jones and JFK in episode thirty-four and bonus episode six, and that he was also rumored to run a new South American gang of dogs in the Pablo Escobar bonus suck number five. In episode forty-three, the Lost City of Atlantis, it was revealed that the Greek god Poseidon claimed to have created Bojangles when he mated with an ancient female pit bull. Bojangles was the finest warrior on the isle of Atlantis, slaying enemy soldiers with ease and beloved by both female dogs and human women alike. He ended up battling Zeus himself in the final battle of Atlantis, almost destroying the Greek God before losing an eye via one of Zeus’s thunderbolts and then losing a leg with another.
In episode forty-five, the North Korea suck, it is revealed that Bojangles was not created by Poseidon but that Nimrod himself created Bojangles as an immortal. Who do you believe? Poseidon or Nimrod? Perhaps both creation stories share a part of a larger truth?
Bojangles may or may not have ran a drug site on the dark web, he’s shown up in children’s nightmares as the Hellhound of Slenderman, he’s mentioned in Nimrod’s armageddon theology, and he’ll continue to make his presence known for as long as Timesuck exists.
Age: Immortal (How dare you even ask that!?!)
Description: Think of the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen. By comparison, Lucifina makes that woman seem powerfully and painfully unattractive. Lucifina looks like Angelina Jolie (Lara Croft era) and Rosario Dawson (Sin City era) had sex so sexy it produced some sort of sexy sex baby, and then that baby grew up and exceeded all preposterous expectations for sexiness. Just by bending over in front of them, fully-clothed, Lucifina has given men who previously thought they were impotent such powerful boners their dicks literally exploded. Just by accidentally brushing her breast upon women’s shoulders when squeezing past them in a crowded room, women’s vaginas have produced so much heat and moisture that they’ve heat-stroked all of the room’s occupants to the floor, and then all of those people died after drowning in the two to three feet of standing vagina sex-water. Lucifina has dark skin, green eyes, and whatever weight, height, curves, and bra cup size you want her to have. She’s usually wearing whatever you think is the sexiest outfit. Such as, you know, for a random example, torn fishnets and leather thigh-high boots with a ripped jean mini-skirt and a vintage Soundgarten “Badmotorfinger” concert tank top. She has a devil tail, two horns, and fangs as well - but usually keeps these aspects of her true, Hellish form hidden.
Special Attributes: Lucifina is Satan’s sister and the only entity the Devil is truly afraid of. And Lucifina is THE Devil of Timesuck, wreaking havoc in the special world we’ve created, spiritually corroding the show every chance she gets. She is the reason behind every false fact, every offensive opinion, every corny joke, and every mispronunciation Dan makes. How does she do all this? If only we knew maybe we could stop her! We can only pray to Nimrod and hope he slows her down. Lucifina is an amazing temptress, able to dole out “Devil Boners” at will - sudden, inexplicable and distracting erections. She’s always attempting to seduce Dan into not doing his research or get back to emails by convincing Dan to go to bed, to have a snack, or to type “nude pinup model” into his Google search bar instead of something topic-related. Damn you Lucifina!!
Origin: Lucifina first appeared on September 15th, 2017, in bonus episode nine, the Salem Witch Trials Timesuck, where it was revealed that Lucifina is the reason Dan thought genome was pronounced GEE-gnome in the Designer Babies Timesuck.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: Lucifina is just now revealing herself in new episodes of the Suck. But make no mistake, she’s been there since the beginning, working hand-in-scaly-hand with her Space Lizard minions.
Age: Ancient/Unknown (at least 3,000 years old)
Description: Picture a lizard, but bigger and, uh, human-ier. Imagine a giant Komodo dragon on steroids, standing erect, smart enough to pilot a spaceship. Or, instead of imagining it - remember it! Remember seeing one of these oh so very real creatures. Space Lizards are roughly 8-10 feet tall. They weigh around 500 pounds. Picture Andre the Giant’s bigger, scalier, flickering-tongued, tail-dragging brother. Space Lizards are humanoid bipeds with opposable thumbs and a strong interest in secret societies (Freemasons, Skull & Bones, Sam’s Club - ALL Space Lizards). However, it is highly unlikely that you’ll ever see them in their native form. They’re shapeshifters able to change their appearance by ingesting mono-atomic gold they mine deep under the Earth’s surface. They can look exactly like any human; for example, Queen Elizabeth, former US President George W Bush, and pop singer Katy Perry - all documented members of the lizard illuminati. Regardless of their disguise, you can always identify a member of the lizard illuminati by paying attention to their eyes: lizard eyes can only blink from side to side as opposed to top to bottom. We see you Space Lizards! We see you.
Special Attributes: Shape shifting. Intergalactic travel. Reality manipulation. Space Lizards are able to control humanity’s collective perception of reality via the moon which is not really a moon at all but instead their hollowed out lizard space station full of advanced space lizard technology. Space lizards psychically feed off of negative emotions, manipulating us into wars and disasters in order to stay spiritually nourished. Think The Matrix movie where lizards are controlling the world instead of machines. Space lizards are also very good at catching insects and small mammals.
Origin: The Space Lizards arrived when Timesuck itself arrived, on September 19th, 2016, in episode one, The Lizard Illuminati Conspiracy Theory Timesuck. It was in this episode we learned of the Anunnaki - the gods of earliest human civilizations: the Sumerians, Assyrians, and Babylonians. They are the giants referenced in the Christian bible. And the Anunnaki are the Space Lizards. The Space Lizards arrived from the Draco constellation thousands and thousands of years ago and enslaved the human race. They altered early human DNA to create alien lizard hybrids to aid in their manipulative efforts - they’re only truly happy when humanity is in turmoil - that’s when their lizard souls feel satisfied. We learned in episode one that the Space Lizards are connected to Satan himself, and frequently sacrifice human babies to cause maximum turmoil within the collective human mind. Damn those super-evil Space Lizards!!
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: The Space Lizards have been referenced throughout Timesuck, possibly involved in helping NASA keep humanity from realizing the Earth is flat. The Space Lizards may have killed JFK. They tricked Dan into thinking he only has an average sized penis (at best) They may be (probably are) behind every conspiracy theory!! So little is known about these nefarious, split-tongue overlords. One man, British conspiracy theorist/obvious genius David Icke, actually knows everything about them and has the keys to taking them down. Unfortunately, their reality-manipulation moon base has kept David from making sense almost every time he’s ever opened his mouth. The battle against the Space Lizards may seem futile, but we will continue to fight the good fight against these oppressors who want nothing more than to keep Timesuckers ignorant, angry, and separated from any and all truths.
Age: Immortal (he’s always looked like he’s in his late 40s/early 50s)
Description: 6’2” tall. 225 pounds. Lean, muscular, athletic build. Strongest of strong jaw lines with piercing blue eyes and hair that is NOT grey, but instead a supernatural and otherworldly white. Triple M has an indescribable presence… he doesn’t HAVE charisma, he IS charisma, personified. He isn’t “likable”… he’s everything you like and everything you think you hate but secretly like. He isn’t “handsome”… he’s the hardest erection and wettest vagina morphed into one impossibly hard, impossibly wet, impossibly Michael Motherfuckin’ McDonald.
Special Attributes: Scientifically proven to have the world’s greatest, for-sure best, and mostest beautiful voice, Triple M, the bard of Timesuck, can use this vocal power to either soothe or destroy; with one perfectly crooned Yacht Rock refrain, he can croon a melody so sweet it will make an orphan no longer mind not having parents, or he can hit a note high enough to shatter enemy ear drums.
Triple M’s “Yah-Mo Timesuck!” battle cry has be heard during his many covert missions defending democracy domestically and abroad, toppling oppressive regimes, shooting the shit out of communists, and doing whatever the fuck else the CIA needs him to get done.
Triple M is fond of wearing a suit into battle so breathtakingly white, enemies are unable to pull their triggers. Shooting Triple M in his monochromatic glory, with hair as heavenly as his fitted suit, is like opening fire on a half-baby, half-puppy, half-angel.
Triple M is also an expert in heavy artillery, proficient in explosives, not bad with a butterfly knife, and can grill a bacon-wrapped filet mignon so delectable it’ll make you wet your pants and smack your best friend’s momma.
Origin: Episode twenty-two, Al Capone’s Valentine’s Day Massacre, Feb 13, 2017. You can blame 19th century Chicago gangster Michael Cassius McDonald for introducing grammy winning R&B yacht rock phenom Michael McDonald to the Suck by happening to have the same damn name.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: While in “real life”, Michael McDonald is an elderly R&B legend who excelled as a backup vocalist and keyboardist for Steely Dan in the early and mid-70s, penned and sang hits for the Doobie Brothers in the mid and late 70s, won four Grammys in 1979, was a session vocalist and keyboardist for everyone from Bonnie Raitt to Christopher Cross to Toto, won a 1985 Grammy with James Ingram, is the author and vocalist of several Billboard number one hits, and is a multi-platinum recording artist who has successfully toured the world for decades, he’s also worked steadily as a CIA operative within the world of Timesuck since the early 70s and has shown up all throughout history thanks to advanced CIA time travel technology.
After his Timesuck debut, Michael McDonald returned in episode 25 when the Suck returned to 19th century Chicago in the HH Holmes episode. He popped up again in the fourth bonus episode, Scientology, when Tom Cruise demanded he hear Triple M’s songs sung, and he appeared again in the Mandela Effect Timesuck, episode thirty-one, when we were left to wonder if he ever really sang for the Doobie brothers or if that happened in a parallel universe.
Michael was first introduced as Triple M in the Designer Babies episode, episode thirty-three, when he’s revealed to be a secret CIA operative who works with both Bojangles and James Ingram. We learn about his white suit, his fondness for large machine guns, and how he will sometimes ride atop a genetically modified Bojangles when fighting communists or whoever else he needs to destroy.
We learn Triple M may have killed cult leader Jim Jones and helped assassinate JFK in the Suck. In episode forty-five, the North Korea Timesuck, it is revealed that Triple M was never born but has always existed as a God alongside James Ingram, Bojangles, and Dan Cummins - created as an immortal by none other than Nimrod, God of Timesuck.
And as the Suck continues, so does his legend. Michael will forever occasionally show up to McDonald Timesuckers, whether they like it or not.
Age: The First Immortal. (Nimrod has always been and always will be)
Description: Nimrod is a giant space Sasquatch the size of an entire galaxy with the head of a Chupacabra who rides a black unicorn with flaming suns for eyes.
Special Attributes: All knowing and all powerful, there is no attribute Nimrod doesn’t possess. However, despite his limitless power, for some reason, he is powerless to stop Lucifina, the Timesuck Devil, from negatively interfering with the universe he created.
Origin: Nimrod revealed himself as the God of Timesuck on March 31st, 2017, in bonus episode four, the Scientology suck. In that episode, Nimrod, let it be known that followers must stomp in the skull of a cocker spaniel once a month to prove obedience to him. The Nimrod Faithful will be allowed to love forever inside his Alpha and Omega ballsack, the location of Timesuck heaven. Why? Who the Hell knows? Nimrod’s ways are mysterious indeed.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: In episode 47, the Kurt Cobain Timesuck, it’s revealed that killing yourself gets you sent straight to Nimrod’s butthole, the location of Hell in Timesuck theology, and you will be remain in this “tight, hairy, stinky” nightmare, eternally.
Nimrod revealed some of his scripture in episode forty, the Nostradamus Timesuck, letting Timesuckers know in chapter 666, verse 666, what he thinks of the End Times, saying, “Nimrod will unleash BOJANGLES upon humanity. A great gerbil lizard thingy will spring forth from where his fourth leg will rest and the great gerbil lizard thingy will poke the people of earth with giant sparklers that burn the people, not in a fatal way but in a way that is super annoying and makes you worry about getting your eye poked out and then Bojangles will piss RC Cola upon the earth and it will be cool and refreshing and it will extinguish the sparklers and people will rejoice but then more RC Cola will come out and soon we all drown in the Cola we thought was no longer being sold anymore but still actually still is in some places. Seriously, I really see it sometimes.” And then, in chapter 667, Nimrod reveals sometimes his words are truly meaningless by declaring, “Get the fuck out of here! None of that shit its happening. C’mon - that’s crazy talk! Now get back to stomping puppies before I kill all of you.”
In episode forty, we also learn that Nimrod created Michael Motherfuckin’ McDonald, Timesuck host Dan Cummins, R&B dynamo James Ingram, and Bojangles as fully formed immortals.
Age: Immortal. (James Ingram always looks like he just turned 35)
Description: 5’11” tall. 190 pounds. Lean, muscular, athletic build. Jawline only ever-so-slightly less strong than Michael McDonald’s. Sometimes bald and sometimes sporting the tightest, roundest, most perfectly symmetrical afro you’ve ever seen. While James sometimes wears a beard it takes him anywhere from three to five seconds to grow, the R&B songbird always sports at least a soul-patch. He has to. James Ingram has so much soul inside of him it literally can’t be shaven off, hairs immediately regrowing the moment they’re cut. James Ingram is arguably the most handsome man in the world - Triple M being the only man who capable of winning an “I’m more handsome than you are” argument against him. James is so smooth with women his “pick-up line” is to literally pick women up off the floor after they’ve feinted after having been shot by the sexual laser beam that is the gaze of his beautiful brown eyes.
Special Attributes: James can harmonize like no-one has ever harmonized before. You hit a note - any note - and James can match it or harmonize to it up to fifteen octaves above or below it (Bojangles HATES it when he jumps up ten octaves or more). James is the only man on Earth who owns and wears a suit as breathtakingly white as Michael Motherfuckin’ McDonald’s; the contrast between it and his unblemished mocha skin so divine enemies find it nearly impossible to shot at him and risk getting blood on it. James is a wizard with an uzi, quick with a switchblade, and surprisingly good at table magic. He can also whip up a tuna casserole so delicious it’ll make your mom leave your dad and kill her own grandchildren just to get the recipe.
Origin: James first appeared on April 24th, 2017, in episode thirty-two, the Marilyn Monroe Timesuck, referenced only as Michael McDonald’s grammy-winning “Yah-mo Be There” partner. Timesuckers would soon learn that his destiny was tied to Michael McDonald in much more than music; he is a superhuman Robin to Triple M’s batman.
Ongoing Timesuck Mythology: In episode 33, the Designer Babies Timesuck, James Ingram is revealed to be an FBI informant and time-traveling freedom fighter, known to ride atop a genetically modified Bojangles with weapon in hand, comfortable enough in his heterosexuality to rock a matching suit with Triple M and ride behind him, holding a noticeably smaller gun. He showed up with Triple M and Bojangles again in episode thirty-four, the Jonestown Massacre Timesuck, as a possible murderer of cult leader Jim Jones in the jungles of Guyana. He also may have helped assassinate JFK in the the JFK Bonus Timesuck, bonus episode six. He’s revealed to be an immortal created by Nimrod himself in the North Korea Timesuck, episode forty-five. And while he may go several episodes without making an appearance, this Yacht Rock gladiator will never stop fighting for the Suck.